I woke up early 4:30 and felt disharmony with everything. My demons still visit me sometimes when I am sleeping or half awake. Gratefully it’s the only time they get so much as a foothold any more. For an hour and a half, I slept and wrestled with them.
I feel the residue of my early morning thoughts, the I am not good enough thoughts, the this guy is not good enough thoughts, the what the heck am I doing chasing a dream thoughts, the I should be making more money thoughts, the who do I think I am fooling thoughts, the detailed thoughts about my debt - where it came from - and will I ever be free of it, the why is life so hard thoughts, the why don’t I get more accomplished in a day thoughts, the should I finish the book thoughts, the I spend too much time on Facebook thoughts, the what if I get cancer thoughts, the do my children know how much I love them thoughts.
And now what? What do I tell my clients? I tell them to be gentle with themselves. That these thoughts are here to be released. That it is a new moon and the perfect time to release. I tell them to love what is, even this. I tell them to love themselves in all things even on the shitty days.
This is likely a shocking post to read from someone ordinarily so positive. I assure you the positivity isn’t false. Even in this moment I know how blessed and loved and valuable I am. No matter how loved or loving or positive I know I am, we are all having a human experience. These feelings are part of the deal. And while I don’t often give these thoughts a sliver of opportunity, when they get one they come barreling through all at once.
This too has a purpose even if I can’t see it right now. Perhaps someone will read this and it will be just what they needed. Perhaps it is just for me. Maybe it is the new moon, or Mother’s Day coming up, or my own mother’s journey into dementia which looks scary from the outside, maybe it is this liver cleanse I am doing – though this is just the first day.
All I know is that I feel off today. I feel tender and sad and I know it will pass. Some days are good days and we feel amazing, and some days are not. The truth is neither of them is a permanent condition. I have far more good days and powerful moments of love than not. So even in this moment of not feeling so great emotionally, I feel grateful knowing that I am blessed and loved. This too shall pass.