For much of my life I have either felt unlovable or fought feeling unlovable. It is clearly from this pain, this core wound, that I found my life’s calling, to be a teacher of love. I am grateful for all of that. I see the perfection of it. I generously give the love I felt was missing in my life. More importantly, I teach others how to blow on the sometimes barely visible spark until it becomes an eternal flame. Few things bring me greater joy.
I now realize, of course, that love was never missing in my life. God, The Divine, Source, The Universe, Mother Spirit (use whatever fits for you here), True Love, Pure Love, Source Love has always been present in my life. There are moments when I truly believe that all of the darkness that feels like unlovability is completely healed. And then there are moments when the presence of that old familiar heaviness returns to me. Yep, even to me, a teacher of love.
In the wake of a breakup, loss, or aloneness, sometimes, far less often that before, the old familiar darkness comes to call. The Lonely Monster, as I call it, is alive and well and lying to me again.
In those moments, I gather close to me the truth tellers of my life, my soul family, the ones who would, and do, tell me the truth about me. And then, I sit down smack dab in the middle of the pain. Knowing there are loving souls just on the outside of my momentary hell, holding loving space for me to courageously and willingly step into my own pain makes the pain more bearable. One of them says, “Resistance is futile. Be open to change.” Words I myself have lovingly said to others when the roles were reversed.
Change is uncomfortable. When I am in the discomfort, I know I am changing. The long-held beliefs that have become part of my identity, part of my ego, don’t seem to go down without a fight. That’s okay for I am a Warrior for Love. Even in my own sadness and pain, that truth of who I am out shines the old demons.
I love you.